if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
