Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
