u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
