I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
