You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
