You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
