Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
