i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize