I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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