I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
