The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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