i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
