Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
