Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
