I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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