omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
