this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
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