Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize