He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
