Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
