I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
