I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
