he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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