I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
