im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
In other news, I just burned my penis
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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