Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
