At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
