I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
