We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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