a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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