I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
