yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
