"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize