he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
