when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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