The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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