Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
