Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
