dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
