your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize
