I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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