i wish starbucks made bloody marys
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
