I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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