he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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