just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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