an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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