Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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