I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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