There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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