He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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