I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
