Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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