as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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