so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
