Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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