i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
