She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
