One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
