I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
