He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
