YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
